It’s Valentine’s Day. Hardly rocket science, this one.
Nate and Elena
An obvious starting point, really. The Uncharteds hinge around the will-they-won’t-they story of Nate and Elena. Chances are they will, and she’ll be left with an unwanted child and a trio of STDs. That’s how the Drake man rolls. When he’s not off looking for child support cash under the sea or something.
Master Chief and Cortana
A bizarre couple. Besides the fact it’s a cyberman soldier flirting with an ancient AI, he actually inserts HER inside HIM. Not your every day practise for such a man’s man. Perhaps Master Chief is so manly he actually subverts both hetero and homosexuality. Yeah, that’s it.
Marcus And Dom
It was touch and go for a while as Dom cruised the singles scene after brutally shooting his missus in the head for being a bit dehydrated, but we can exclusively reveal that Gears Of War 3 features a shot-for-shotrecreation of the ‘spitting’ sequence from Brokeback Mountain complete with QTEs and a distant buzz of a Lancer.
Mario And Peach
It’s a weird one. Mario is a complete mug, to be honest. Peach is clearly getting her dino on with Bowser, but keeps stringing the poor mushroom lover along just to keep her options open. Mario, just get rid and go on a massive bender with the Toads.
Martin Tyler And Andy Gray
Has the romance been torn apart by Gray’s outrageous sexism? Hope not. The touching adoration these two old cuddlies show each other before a Manchester derby on FIFA 11 is one of gaming’s truly tear-jerking achievements.
Ryu And Ken
When they’re not travelling the world beating up schoolgirls and giant Thai men with eyepatches, these two like to spend special times frolicking beneath waterfalls and ‘sparring’. And by sparring we mean rambunctious gay sex. And good on ‘em.
Alyx And Gordon
It’s one of gaming’s last-kept secrets, but Gordon Freeman is actually a fully-functioning gimp, traipsing around City 17 with a orange ball in his mouth. He was fed up of being shared around by the scientists at Black Mesa so shoved that yellow thing into the electric thing and made the Half Life games. He follows Alyx around like a sweaty lapdog, and she loves every minute of it.
Kane And Lynch
They’ve been together so long that they’re more lifelong friends than fiery lovers, but Kane And Lynch still cruise the scenes in San Francisco and Brighton when they’re not busy being vile, abhorrent criminals. Now you know why they went to Shanghai, at least.
Link And Zelda
It’s hard pressed to write something filthy about what’s essentially a childhood romance, so we won’t. Ganon is a bit of a paedo, though, isn’t he?
Shepard And Everyone
No one gets around more than Shepard. Leisure Suit Larry has the reputation, but Shepard barely even has to ask for it. Even with those scars he’s still the Errol Flynn of the space world. Just think how much quicker he’d beat the Reavers if he wasn’t so? preoccupied.
Tags: Halo Reach
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